Personal attacks hurt people, mar communication, and end creativity. If they become part of a meeting's culture, they drive the participants into making safe and perhaps useless contributions.
Approach 1: Speak to the group
Set the stage for the group to enforce its culture by making a general comment. Look at the middle of the group and say:
"Just a moment. Let's pause here to calm down. I can tell we're upset about this. And we want to find a fair solution for everyone." (Take slow deep breaths and relax to model calming down.)
After saying this, pause a moment to let the group respond. Often, someone else will support your request. Then continue as if everything were normal.
Avoid looking at the attacker when speaking to the group. Making eye contact acknowledges and returns power to the attacker.
Approach 2: Explore for the cause
Sometimes people throw insults from behind a fence of presumed safety. You can disrupt this illusion by saying:
"Chris, you seem upset with that."
"Pat, you seem to disagree."
"You seem to have reservations about this."
I realize these statements may sound like naive responses to an insult. However, such understated responses improve the situation because they sound less threatening, feel easier to deliver, and preserve the other person's self-esteem. Realize the attacker may have viewed the attack less seriously than it sounded.
These statements also transfer the focus from the target to the attacker's feelings. And this is what you need to talk about in order to resolve the dispute.
After you speak, continue to look at the attacker and wait for the person to talk about what caused the attack.
If the attack continues, interrupt with:
"Excuse me, we need to respect each other. And I wonder what makes you feel upset over this."
"Excuse me, we heard that. Now, what makes you feel that way?"
"Excuse me, I'm interested in hearing what your concerns are."
Approach 3: Call a break
If verbal approaches fail to end the attacks, then call a break or end the meeting. This will give you a chance to meet privately with the attacker, rewrite the agenda, rebuild communication, and (if appropriate) schedule another meeting without the attacker.
You could say,
"We seem to be at an impasse. I want to take a break so we can all calm down."
"This hostility makes it impossible to get any work done. So, I'm adjourning the meetings. We'll work on this later and then reconvene at another time."
Note that some people use anger to force others to cooperate with them. If you adjourn the meeting, you will have to meet with the attacker to resolve the conflict.
"We need to work on this outside of the meeting. So let's adjourn."
Use these techniques to restore a safe environment to your meeting.
Meetings are a forum for finding solutions, making decisions, and reaching agreements. When you apply these approaches to disruptions, you will maintain the productive environment necessary to accomplish your goals.
Steve Kaye
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Are you a Good Manager or a Great Leader?
Your word is your truth - Know that when you speak, you will fulfill your promise to others and others will know they can depend on you. Think before you speak. Under promise and over deliver. Always keep your promise.
Have a 'can do' attitude
Be cheerful and pleasant and cultivate an attitude of turning obstacles into opportunities. See the cup as half full instead of half empty. Do not focus on the problem, Focus on the solution. Think about all the good that can result from projects. Look for the good in others
Remember to say 'thank you'
Kind words go a long way. Acknowledge and appreciate people around you when they've done something of merit. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Do not take others for granted. Let people know how much you appreciate even the small things they do.
Practice the #1 rule of business
Remember to treat people as "they" want to be treated, not as you would like to be treated. This is crucial to being a leader. Everyone likes to be treated differently. Get to know how those around you like to be treated and respect their preferences. Discover the personalities of others and learn how they get encouraged.
Motivate others around you
Develop a strong interest in your staff and others around you. It's easier to motivate with encouragement, support and acknowledgments. Encourage others to go beyond their limits. Treat others as you know they can be, not as they are Ask others who their best boss was and why. Learn from that and motivate them the same way.
Empower and encourage others you know
Offer others public recognition and involve them in important work. Treat people like you know they can do the job. Have confidence in others to know they can get the job done. Express your appreciation when jobs are done to expectations. Encourage others to go beyond their limits and see what they create.
Share your vision and mission
Get staff engaged in an activity to meet goals and share the company's vision and mission. This will get others excited about future directions and will further motivate them to contribute to being a part of the end results. Articulate a clear vision to those around you. Let others know the mission and why you are doing what you do. Encourage others to be a part of your mission by involving them in the end result
Think creatively and don't stop at the obvious
Think about options available to you and envision the possibilities of bigger and better ways to do things. Develop the skill of having multiple options instead of settling for the easiest or fastest answer. Explore different possibilities and ask 'what if' questions. Discover new solutions for the old problems - don't take the easy way. When you think you have the answer, think of something else you can do to make it better.
Risk taking within reason by knowing high-risk and low-risk
Analyze risk. Know when risk taking is an intelligent move and when it shouldn't be considered. Form a team of individuals to run ideas by before taking large risks. Get a consensus from others when taking a risk. Practice 'analyze risk taking' by thinking through the whole process before proceeding. Know the possibilities of the outcome and the good and bad of the end results.
Stretch your creativity and encourage that in others
Continually stretch your creative powers by thinking outside the box. Stretch out into the unknown and discover better ways of doing things. Set this example for others. Stretch your way of thinking and encourage that in others. Keep learning new things and finding better ways of doing what you do. Be a role model in your creative thinking and see the difference it makes in others.
Have a passion for what you do and create a sense of purpose
Display passion for what you do. Ensure your words are congruent with your actions. Then follow the path of your goals. Focus on the end results and the purpose of your actions.
Love what you do and do what you love. Establish a sense of purpose and let your passion show through to others. Project into the future your long-term goal and desires. Share this vision with others
Create an environment of opportunity
Create an environment where you and others around you can grow. Discover infinite opportunities by thinking outside the box. Get creative!
Give others the opportunity to experience new things and different ways of doing things
Encourage continual learning and new skills. Produce a richer environment by working at peak performance at high levels
Good Luck on your journey of becoming a great leader!
Cheryl Vallejos
Have a 'can do' attitude
Be cheerful and pleasant and cultivate an attitude of turning obstacles into opportunities. See the cup as half full instead of half empty. Do not focus on the problem, Focus on the solution. Think about all the good that can result from projects. Look for the good in others
Remember to say 'thank you'
Kind words go a long way. Acknowledge and appreciate people around you when they've done something of merit. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Do not take others for granted. Let people know how much you appreciate even the small things they do.
Practice the #1 rule of business
Remember to treat people as "they" want to be treated, not as you would like to be treated. This is crucial to being a leader. Everyone likes to be treated differently. Get to know how those around you like to be treated and respect their preferences. Discover the personalities of others and learn how they get encouraged.
Motivate others around you
Develop a strong interest in your staff and others around you. It's easier to motivate with encouragement, support and acknowledgments. Encourage others to go beyond their limits. Treat others as you know they can be, not as they are Ask others who their best boss was and why. Learn from that and motivate them the same way.
Empower and encourage others you know
Offer others public recognition and involve them in important work. Treat people like you know they can do the job. Have confidence in others to know they can get the job done. Express your appreciation when jobs are done to expectations. Encourage others to go beyond their limits and see what they create.
Share your vision and mission
Get staff engaged in an activity to meet goals and share the company's vision and mission. This will get others excited about future directions and will further motivate them to contribute to being a part of the end results. Articulate a clear vision to those around you. Let others know the mission and why you are doing what you do. Encourage others to be a part of your mission by involving them in the end result
Think creatively and don't stop at the obvious
Think about options available to you and envision the possibilities of bigger and better ways to do things. Develop the skill of having multiple options instead of settling for the easiest or fastest answer. Explore different possibilities and ask 'what if' questions. Discover new solutions for the old problems - don't take the easy way. When you think you have the answer, think of something else you can do to make it better.
Risk taking within reason by knowing high-risk and low-risk
Analyze risk. Know when risk taking is an intelligent move and when it shouldn't be considered. Form a team of individuals to run ideas by before taking large risks. Get a consensus from others when taking a risk. Practice 'analyze risk taking' by thinking through the whole process before proceeding. Know the possibilities of the outcome and the good and bad of the end results.
Stretch your creativity and encourage that in others
Continually stretch your creative powers by thinking outside the box. Stretch out into the unknown and discover better ways of doing things. Set this example for others. Stretch your way of thinking and encourage that in others. Keep learning new things and finding better ways of doing what you do. Be a role model in your creative thinking and see the difference it makes in others.
Have a passion for what you do and create a sense of purpose
Display passion for what you do. Ensure your words are congruent with your actions. Then follow the path of your goals. Focus on the end results and the purpose of your actions.
Love what you do and do what you love. Establish a sense of purpose and let your passion show through to others. Project into the future your long-term goal and desires. Share this vision with others
Create an environment of opportunity
Create an environment where you and others around you can grow. Discover infinite opportunities by thinking outside the box. Get creative!
Give others the opportunity to experience new things and different ways of doing things
Encourage continual learning and new skills. Produce a richer environment by working at peak performance at high levels
Good Luck on your journey of becoming a great leader!
Cheryl Vallejos
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Creating a Not-To-Do List
When I sit down with a client to work on prioritizing and delegating, the biggest challenge we face is deciding what kinds of activities and responsibilities to give up. Quite often, we get so entrenched in what we think we SHOULD be doing, that we forget to pay attention to what we ENJOY doing. So when it comes time to let go of the boring, tedious, and time-consuming tasks that eat up our day, we have a struggle trying to identify them.
It is incredibly difficult for people to admit that they can't do everything themselves. Well guess what -- you can't! And I don't know that you would want to, even if you had the time. Some activities in life are unpleasant, outside of your range of expertise, or just not what you want to spend your time on. And there is nothing wrong with admitting that you don't want to do something, as long as you can find someone else to do it for you. That is the purpose behind creating a not-to-do list -- helping you identify chores, errands, and daily responsibilities that you can (and should) delegate to another person
GETTING STARTED
The key to creating a successful "not-to-do" list is awareness -- paying attention to what you do, how long it takes, how often you do it, and whether or not you get some benefit from that particular activity. However, we spend so much of our days on autopilot and in a state of overload, that simply trying to recall how you spent yesterday morning can be a real challenge! You will make things much easier if you keep a NOTEPAD nearby, where you can record your daily activities.
This doesn't mean that you have to log every second of your day ("8:00 -- got up" / "8:05 to 8:10 -- used bathroom" / "8:15 to 8:45 -- had breakfast" isn't really going to help you be more effective and efficient!) But if you can start tracking your work activities (could be paid outside work or housework or whatever fills your day), your travel time to and from activities, and any other external responsibilities (committee meetings, carpools, volunteering), you will begin to see places where you can trim and tighten your schedule through delegation.
So as you sit at your desk or work in your house or travel in your car, make a note of what you are doing -- such as "checking e-mails" or "cleaning oven" or "buying groceries." Then, estimate how much time you have spent on that particular chore or errand (don't forget travel and preparation time). We will continue on later with some in-depth questions about whether this action needs to be done at all (!!) and whether it needs to be done by you. But for now, that's the start of your "not-to-do" list.
HOW MUCH IS YOUR TIME IS WORTH?
When you were a kid, you probably had no clue what it took to earn money -- and you had no qualms about spending it freely on anything that caught your eye. But when you got an after-school job or started working for your allowance, you became a lot more discriminating about where you spent your hard-earned cash.
It's the same with time. Very few people in our society really know what their time is worth -- in concrete financial terms. But until you recognize that your time is intrinsically valuable, you will never be able to make informed decisions about where your time is best spent. Here's a general guide you can use in determining how much an hour of your time is worth, and how just one hour a day -- spent poorly or wisely -- adds up over a year's time:
INCOME.........ONE HOUR......IN A YEAR
$25,000.........$12.61.........$3,125
$40,000.........$20.49.........$5,000
$50,000.........$25.61.........$6,250
$75,000.........$38.42.........$9,375
$100,000........$51.23.........$12,500
$125,000........$65.10.........$15,884
$150,000........$76.84.........$18,750
$175,000........$89.65.........$21,875
$200,000........$102.46.........$25,000
$250,000........$128.07.........$31,250
$300,000........$153.69.........$37,500
** Based on 244 working days per year
So, you can always look at delegating in terms of the biggest financial payoff. When I hire someone to take care of an item on my not-to-do list -- and I pay them $25 an hour while my hour is worth $60 -- I'm coming out ahead. The same is true when I can hire someone to do a task in a half hour that would take me 3 to complete. I can be focusing on higher priorities -- things that feed my soul or grow my business or let me know I'm alive -- without worrying that the work isn't being done.
LOOK AT COSTS VERSUS BENEFITS
Have you ever caught yourself spending a lot of time on a very low-payoff activity? Maybe it's something that really does need to be done -- like addressing 1500 envelopes for a routine mass mailing or cleaning all of the window screens in your house -- but it's not something that is going to tremendously improve your quality of life. And it might be a hugely time-consuming activity, where the rewards you will reap don't even begin to compare to your investment of time and energy.
Most of these kinds of low-payoff jobs really serve as maintenance. The completion of these small activities doesn't make a major impact on your life -- but if left undone, they can erode away at your home, your career, your health, your peace of mind and cause serious problems down the road. That makes these chores perfect candidates for your "not-to-do" list -- items that really need to be done, but not necessarily by YOU. Here are some of the most common suggestions I hear from my clients -- see which resonate with you as being potentially delegable:
- house cleaning
- grocery shopping / meal preparation
- paperwork (filing / mailings / organizing)
- errand-running
- yard work / landscaping
- home maintenance / car maintenance
- follow-up with clients (phone calls / e-mails)
- travel / meeting / event arrangements
ARE YOU HAVING FUN?
Of course, you have to pay attention to more than just the financial cost of each task you perform yourself. You also have to ask if you really enjoy the work. Even though I could probably find someone else to maintain my website for me, I really enjoy the process of creating new pages, bringing ideas to life, and watching my "baby" blossom and grow. It is time consuming, but I'm filled with a renewed energy each time I sit down to add a new section to my site. So the payoff for me is in the emotional charge I get -- the sense of satisfaction and creativity -- and that is priceless, regardless of what my hour is worth.
On the other hand, my sister loves gardening. She finds it incredibly relaxing to dig in the dirt and watch a tiny bud explode into color in her front yard. Now lawn care is pretty much my idea of hell -- so I would probably hire someone else to take care of my shrubbery and flowers (if I had a yard!) It's all a matter of what energizes you, what fills your life with joy, and what you look forward to doing. If an activity fits this description, keep it for yourself and find other less-pleasurable chores to include on your not-to-do list.
IS THIS THE BEST POSSIBLE USE OF YOUR TIME?
The final question I always ask my clients when setting up their lists is, "What is the best possible use of your time at this exact moment?" We usually tend to focus too much on the daily grind -- paying bills, keeping the house clean, writing reports, etc. -- and too little on our real PRIORITIES. Do you really need to be organizing the garage, or spending time with your kids at the park? Is it a higher priority that you decide where to put the coffee pot and how to arrange the chairs at the upcoming sales meeting, or that you develop a strong agenda and provide guidance during the group discussion? Ask yourself where you will get the biggest bang for your buck. That should be where you focus your attention, and let someone else handle the rest.
FINDING AN ALTERNATIVE
Okay, so you've made a list of items that you would love to delegate -- who do you hand them off to? You have so many options!
- Get your family involved in the act -- kids and spouses are just as capable of handling those daily chores as you are!
- Ask a co-worker for some assistance -- and offer to help out the next time he or she needs a little bit of a break
- Make use of your support staff (administrative clerks, assistants, and other assorted minions) -- that's what they are there for
- Hire an independent contractor or freelancer to help with household and business tasks that you don't have time for
- Develop a local co-op for sharing those time-consuming domestic (trading off on cooking, cleaning, errand-running, or child care) -- or set up an informal swap with a neighbor
Just remember, you aren't in it alone. You simply have to decide what you want to delegate and then be willing to ask for help. Good luck!
It is incredibly difficult for people to admit that they can't do everything themselves. Well guess what -- you can't! And I don't know that you would want to, even if you had the time. Some activities in life are unpleasant, outside of your range of expertise, or just not what you want to spend your time on. And there is nothing wrong with admitting that you don't want to do something, as long as you can find someone else to do it for you. That is the purpose behind creating a not-to-do list -- helping you identify chores, errands, and daily responsibilities that you can (and should) delegate to another person
GETTING STARTED
The key to creating a successful "not-to-do" list is awareness -- paying attention to what you do, how long it takes, how often you do it, and whether or not you get some benefit from that particular activity. However, we spend so much of our days on autopilot and in a state of overload, that simply trying to recall how you spent yesterday morning can be a real challenge! You will make things much easier if you keep a NOTEPAD nearby, where you can record your daily activities.
This doesn't mean that you have to log every second of your day ("8:00 -- got up" / "8:05 to 8:10 -- used bathroom" / "8:15 to 8:45 -- had breakfast" isn't really going to help you be more effective and efficient!) But if you can start tracking your work activities (could be paid outside work or housework or whatever fills your day), your travel time to and from activities, and any other external responsibilities (committee meetings, carpools, volunteering), you will begin to see places where you can trim and tighten your schedule through delegation.
So as you sit at your desk or work in your house or travel in your car, make a note of what you are doing -- such as "checking e-mails" or "cleaning oven" or "buying groceries." Then, estimate how much time you have spent on that particular chore or errand (don't forget travel and preparation time). We will continue on later with some in-depth questions about whether this action needs to be done at all (!!) and whether it needs to be done by you. But for now, that's the start of your "not-to-do" list.
HOW MUCH IS YOUR TIME IS WORTH?
When you were a kid, you probably had no clue what it took to earn money -- and you had no qualms about spending it freely on anything that caught your eye. But when you got an after-school job or started working for your allowance, you became a lot more discriminating about where you spent your hard-earned cash.
It's the same with time. Very few people in our society really know what their time is worth -- in concrete financial terms. But until you recognize that your time is intrinsically valuable, you will never be able to make informed decisions about where your time is best spent. Here's a general guide you can use in determining how much an hour of your time is worth, and how just one hour a day -- spent poorly or wisely -- adds up over a year's time:
INCOME.........ONE HOUR......IN A YEAR
$25,000.........$12.61.........$3,125
$40,000.........$20.49.........$5,000
$50,000.........$25.61.........$6,250
$75,000.........$38.42.........$9,375
$100,000........$51.23.........$12,500
$125,000........$65.10.........$15,884
$150,000........$76.84.........$18,750
$175,000........$89.65.........$21,875
$200,000........$102.46.........$25,000
$250,000........$128.07.........$31,250
$300,000........$153.69.........$37,500
** Based on 244 working days per year
So, you can always look at delegating in terms of the biggest financial payoff. When I hire someone to take care of an item on my not-to-do list -- and I pay them $25 an hour while my hour is worth $60 -- I'm coming out ahead. The same is true when I can hire someone to do a task in a half hour that would take me 3 to complete. I can be focusing on higher priorities -- things that feed my soul or grow my business or let me know I'm alive -- without worrying that the work isn't being done.
LOOK AT COSTS VERSUS BENEFITS
Have you ever caught yourself spending a lot of time on a very low-payoff activity? Maybe it's something that really does need to be done -- like addressing 1500 envelopes for a routine mass mailing or cleaning all of the window screens in your house -- but it's not something that is going to tremendously improve your quality of life. And it might be a hugely time-consuming activity, where the rewards you will reap don't even begin to compare to your investment of time and energy.
Most of these kinds of low-payoff jobs really serve as maintenance. The completion of these small activities doesn't make a major impact on your life -- but if left undone, they can erode away at your home, your career, your health, your peace of mind and cause serious problems down the road. That makes these chores perfect candidates for your "not-to-do" list -- items that really need to be done, but not necessarily by YOU. Here are some of the most common suggestions I hear from my clients -- see which resonate with you as being potentially delegable:
- house cleaning
- grocery shopping / meal preparation
- paperwork (filing / mailings / organizing)
- errand-running
- yard work / landscaping
- home maintenance / car maintenance
- follow-up with clients (phone calls / e-mails)
- travel / meeting / event arrangements
ARE YOU HAVING FUN?
Of course, you have to pay attention to more than just the financial cost of each task you perform yourself. You also have to ask if you really enjoy the work. Even though I could probably find someone else to maintain my website for me, I really enjoy the process of creating new pages, bringing ideas to life, and watching my "baby" blossom and grow. It is time consuming, but I'm filled with a renewed energy each time I sit down to add a new section to my site. So the payoff for me is in the emotional charge I get -- the sense of satisfaction and creativity -- and that is priceless, regardless of what my hour is worth.
On the other hand, my sister loves gardening. She finds it incredibly relaxing to dig in the dirt and watch a tiny bud explode into color in her front yard. Now lawn care is pretty much my idea of hell -- so I would probably hire someone else to take care of my shrubbery and flowers (if I had a yard!) It's all a matter of what energizes you, what fills your life with joy, and what you look forward to doing. If an activity fits this description, keep it for yourself and find other less-pleasurable chores to include on your not-to-do list.
IS THIS THE BEST POSSIBLE USE OF YOUR TIME?
The final question I always ask my clients when setting up their lists is, "What is the best possible use of your time at this exact moment?" We usually tend to focus too much on the daily grind -- paying bills, keeping the house clean, writing reports, etc. -- and too little on our real PRIORITIES. Do you really need to be organizing the garage, or spending time with your kids at the park? Is it a higher priority that you decide where to put the coffee pot and how to arrange the chairs at the upcoming sales meeting, or that you develop a strong agenda and provide guidance during the group discussion? Ask yourself where you will get the biggest bang for your buck. That should be where you focus your attention, and let someone else handle the rest.
FINDING AN ALTERNATIVE
Okay, so you've made a list of items that you would love to delegate -- who do you hand them off to? You have so many options!
- Get your family involved in the act -- kids and spouses are just as capable of handling those daily chores as you are!
- Ask a co-worker for some assistance -- and offer to help out the next time he or she needs a little bit of a break
- Make use of your support staff (administrative clerks, assistants, and other assorted minions) -- that's what they are there for
- Hire an independent contractor or freelancer to help with household and business tasks that you don't have time for
- Develop a local co-op for sharing those time-consuming domestic (trading off on cooking, cleaning, errand-running, or child care) -- or set up an informal swap with a neighbor
Just remember, you aren't in it alone. You simply have to decide what you want to delegate and then be willing to ask for help. Good luck!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Couch Yourself Positive
True Story: Guy walks into a bar, chats up the hottest babe in the joint. He's feeling hip and funny. She's gazing dreamily into his eyes, obviously impressed. When she goes off to the bathroom, a buddy walks up to the guy. ‘Know who that is?’ the buddy asks. ‘She used to date Al Pacino.’ Gulp.
Somehow, when Miss Lovely reappears, our man isn't so fast with the repartee. His confidence is gone; the conversation sputters. She's no longer looking into his eyes. In fact, she seems to be looking for an escape route. He's become another wannabe player shot down by negative self-talk.
We all talk to ourselves. It's the way the mind works. And it's terrific when it makes like your own personal cheerleader. Who doesn't like hearing, Smart move... she liked that. Or, when you start a new job, / have great ideas. Positive self-talk bolsters confidence and boosts energy.
But sometimes our inner cheerleader changes sides. Instead of encouragement, you get zingers like, Pacino! Man, I'm so average. What'll she think when she sees my ancient car? And my pathetic flat - not that we'll get that far. What's a guy to do? There's no off button for your inner motor-mouth, and demoralizing thoughts can pop up anytime. But there are ways to keep your head out of dissing mode.
Bad thoughts are inevitably triggered by events, however minor. The boss looks your way - is he frowning? - and you think, I'm going to lose my job. Or your dinner date's giggle reminds you of that leggy brunette who laughed so cruelly when you brought a bottle of cheap Chardonnay to her classy dinner party. Doofus! Instantly, you're reliving a moment you'd rather forget.
But that's just the beginning. Electrochemical activity in the brain's frontal cortex, where thoughts are born, jump-starts the limbic system, a primitive brain region known as the seat of emotion. Specifically, thoughts that suggest something is wrong rev up the amygdala, an almond-shaped parcel of grey matter that functions like a panic button.
From there, circuits light up in the hypothalamus, which links the mind with the body. You start to sweat. Your pulse quickens. Now you're really nervous. Upstairs, the frontal lobes are generating even more discouraging words. Soon a killer monologue is going on inside your skull, and it's not the kind that knocks 'em dead at the Laugh Factory. It's the voice of doom - hypercritical and looking for anything to feel terrible about.
The mischief that bad thoughts can do is something athletes know better than anyone. ‘Negative self-talk hurts your self-confidence; and when confidence goes down, so does performance,’ says Dr Shane Murphy, the former head of the US Olympic Committee's sports psychology program.
Self-doubt produces muscle tension, which screws up timing and coordination. And by torpedoing your mood, self-doubt makes it difficult to focus. You can't concentrate on getting a maiden over when you're thinking, Last time, this batter hit every ball I bowled for a six.
The same thing can happen in daily life. Thoughts like I have nothing interesting to say become self-fulfilling prophecies. Self-doubt shows in your facial expressions, tone of voice, and even in your posture. You become so focused on how you're coming across that you can't keep up with the conversation. Bye-bye playful banter; hello, strained silence.
At work negative self-talk has a similar effect. If you focus on how difficult a task is - how you won't do a good job - you'll find it tougher to start. You're likely to procrastinate, which will turn the task into a real ordeal.
If you're giving a speech or typing a report, an inner critic that keeps jabbering, This sounds so lame, is all but guaranteed to tie your tongue and freeze your fingers at the keyboard.
Worst of all are the missteps that keep replaying like some sadistic tape loop. Maybe it's the way you blew that great thing you had with Liz. Or that time you sneezed in your boss's coffee.
This is a milder version of the intrusive thoughts that bedevil combat veterans and other trauma victims. Those thoughts come when the mind has no focus or directed attention. True, an office cubicle isn't exactly a battlefield. Nor is a bar or your bedroom, But threats to your self-esteem uncounted in these everyday settings can rev up the amygdala just as effectively as a mortar attack will. So what are you going to do?
Here's your battle plan:
Know the enemy
Zeroing in on your negative mind chatter isn't easy, but with a little practice, you'll be able to pick out the sentence fragments that constitute a sort of lingua franca between ‘you’ and your limbic system - brief phrases like ‘Blew it, as usual’, or names that are freighted with personal meaning: ‘Dad all over again.’ Sometimes it’s just images, like the face of your old friend or the school bully. You will see it coming from far.
Don't ignore them, and respect their power
Don't try to eliminate negative thoughts. The more you fight them, the more they come back. Instead of trying to suppress or eliminate negative thoughts, let them stay as background noise.
Argue with yourself
Identify the put-downs you typically say to yourself, and then jot down a rebuttal for each. Your goal isn't to pump yourself up with false optimism; it's simply to recast unrealistically negative thoughts in a more positive light. The rebuttal to ‘I sound like an idiot’ isn't ‘I'm a smooth a talker as Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep’, but rather If I say something dumb, she'll like me anyway.
Put on an act
Imagine yourself in a stressful situation, such as the big presentation you’re going to make next week at the AGM, first with the negative voice-over and then with the good stuff. Run mental rehearsals until it feels natural. Or simply act like everything's copacetic and positive thoughts will follow.
Just putting a smile on your face reinforces the notion that all is well (while telling the other person (‘I'm glad you're here’).
Slap another label on it
Another good way to reverse a downward spiral in your thinking is to give it a positive spin. If you re-label, ‘Uh, oh. I feel nervous’ as ‘I'm psyched’ your brain automatically shifts from take-cover mode into lets-roll mode. That helps re-channel a surfeit of adrenaline into positive action.
Sing some sense into yourself
Discouraging words that keep coming back call for a special strategy. It's easier going towards these thoughts than going away. You can blunt the sting of endless self-reproach by putting it to music (in your mind please, we don't want people thinking you are crazy). ‘I lost the only woman I've love, because I was a jerk’ sounds pretty silly once you sing it like 50 Cent.
Too nutty for you? Studies suggest you can ease negative self-talk simply by rapidly sweeping your eyes from side to side about 25 times. It stimulates both sides of the brain and briefly disrupts your thinking patterns. It makes it hard to hold onto a disturbing thought.
Sandra Prior
Somehow, when Miss Lovely reappears, our man isn't so fast with the repartee. His confidence is gone; the conversation sputters. She's no longer looking into his eyes. In fact, she seems to be looking for an escape route. He's become another wannabe player shot down by negative self-talk.
We all talk to ourselves. It's the way the mind works. And it's terrific when it makes like your own personal cheerleader. Who doesn't like hearing, Smart move... she liked that. Or, when you start a new job, / have great ideas. Positive self-talk bolsters confidence and boosts energy.
But sometimes our inner cheerleader changes sides. Instead of encouragement, you get zingers like, Pacino! Man, I'm so average. What'll she think when she sees my ancient car? And my pathetic flat - not that we'll get that far. What's a guy to do? There's no off button for your inner motor-mouth, and demoralizing thoughts can pop up anytime. But there are ways to keep your head out of dissing mode.
Bad thoughts are inevitably triggered by events, however minor. The boss looks your way - is he frowning? - and you think, I'm going to lose my job. Or your dinner date's giggle reminds you of that leggy brunette who laughed so cruelly when you brought a bottle of cheap Chardonnay to her classy dinner party. Doofus! Instantly, you're reliving a moment you'd rather forget.
But that's just the beginning. Electrochemical activity in the brain's frontal cortex, where thoughts are born, jump-starts the limbic system, a primitive brain region known as the seat of emotion. Specifically, thoughts that suggest something is wrong rev up the amygdala, an almond-shaped parcel of grey matter that functions like a panic button.
From there, circuits light up in the hypothalamus, which links the mind with the body. You start to sweat. Your pulse quickens. Now you're really nervous. Upstairs, the frontal lobes are generating even more discouraging words. Soon a killer monologue is going on inside your skull, and it's not the kind that knocks 'em dead at the Laugh Factory. It's the voice of doom - hypercritical and looking for anything to feel terrible about.
The mischief that bad thoughts can do is something athletes know better than anyone. ‘Negative self-talk hurts your self-confidence; and when confidence goes down, so does performance,’ says Dr Shane Murphy, the former head of the US Olympic Committee's sports psychology program.
Self-doubt produces muscle tension, which screws up timing and coordination. And by torpedoing your mood, self-doubt makes it difficult to focus. You can't concentrate on getting a maiden over when you're thinking, Last time, this batter hit every ball I bowled for a six.
The same thing can happen in daily life. Thoughts like I have nothing interesting to say become self-fulfilling prophecies. Self-doubt shows in your facial expressions, tone of voice, and even in your posture. You become so focused on how you're coming across that you can't keep up with the conversation. Bye-bye playful banter; hello, strained silence.
At work negative self-talk has a similar effect. If you focus on how difficult a task is - how you won't do a good job - you'll find it tougher to start. You're likely to procrastinate, which will turn the task into a real ordeal.
If you're giving a speech or typing a report, an inner critic that keeps jabbering, This sounds so lame, is all but guaranteed to tie your tongue and freeze your fingers at the keyboard.
Worst of all are the missteps that keep replaying like some sadistic tape loop. Maybe it's the way you blew that great thing you had with Liz. Or that time you sneezed in your boss's coffee.
This is a milder version of the intrusive thoughts that bedevil combat veterans and other trauma victims. Those thoughts come when the mind has no focus or directed attention. True, an office cubicle isn't exactly a battlefield. Nor is a bar or your bedroom, But threats to your self-esteem uncounted in these everyday settings can rev up the amygdala just as effectively as a mortar attack will. So what are you going to do?
Here's your battle plan:
Know the enemy
Zeroing in on your negative mind chatter isn't easy, but with a little practice, you'll be able to pick out the sentence fragments that constitute a sort of lingua franca between ‘you’ and your limbic system - brief phrases like ‘Blew it, as usual’, or names that are freighted with personal meaning: ‘Dad all over again.’ Sometimes it’s just images, like the face of your old friend or the school bully. You will see it coming from far.
Don't ignore them, and respect their power
Don't try to eliminate negative thoughts. The more you fight them, the more they come back. Instead of trying to suppress or eliminate negative thoughts, let them stay as background noise.
Argue with yourself
Identify the put-downs you typically say to yourself, and then jot down a rebuttal for each. Your goal isn't to pump yourself up with false optimism; it's simply to recast unrealistically negative thoughts in a more positive light. The rebuttal to ‘I sound like an idiot’ isn't ‘I'm a smooth a talker as Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep’, but rather If I say something dumb, she'll like me anyway.
Put on an act
Imagine yourself in a stressful situation, such as the big presentation you’re going to make next week at the AGM, first with the negative voice-over and then with the good stuff. Run mental rehearsals until it feels natural. Or simply act like everything's copacetic and positive thoughts will follow.
Just putting a smile on your face reinforces the notion that all is well (while telling the other person (‘I'm glad you're here’).
Slap another label on it
Another good way to reverse a downward spiral in your thinking is to give it a positive spin. If you re-label, ‘Uh, oh. I feel nervous’ as ‘I'm psyched’ your brain automatically shifts from take-cover mode into lets-roll mode. That helps re-channel a surfeit of adrenaline into positive action.
Sing some sense into yourself
Discouraging words that keep coming back call for a special strategy. It's easier going towards these thoughts than going away. You can blunt the sting of endless self-reproach by putting it to music (in your mind please, we don't want people thinking you are crazy). ‘I lost the only woman I've love, because I was a jerk’ sounds pretty silly once you sing it like 50 Cent.
Too nutty for you? Studies suggest you can ease negative self-talk simply by rapidly sweeping your eyes from side to side about 25 times. It stimulates both sides of the brain and briefly disrupts your thinking patterns. It makes it hard to hold onto a disturbing thought.
Sandra Prior
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Achieve Your Goals By Eating The Frog And The Elephant
Brian Tracy, the great motivational guru, often suggests that people do their most important and toughest task at the start of the day. They must 'eat the frog' for breakfast and then they will feel great for the rest of the day and have extra energy to cope with all their other tasks.
When it is light enough in the summer, I get a walk and some weight lifting in at the start of the day when it is cooler. I then feel set up for the rest of the day. The walk is quite a tasty frog to eat but still demands some effort and will power.
If you are writing a book, write first thing in the day. Writing may be the most difficult thing you do all day. Get it done straight away. Eat the frog.
After eating the frog, you have to eat the elephant (the huge amount you have to do during the rest of the day) How?
Bit by bit.
How do you build a house? Brick by brick. How do you walk ten miles? Step by step. I love books with titles like "HTML in easy steps"
You can't learn HTML in one big study session but step by step, inch by inch it's a cinch. Step by step you will have time to digest what you have learned.
Self-help books frequently use phrases like 'step by step' with good reason. Taking small steps can work wonders.
If you want to lose weight and are given 5 sausages to eat, give one of them to the dog or throw it in the bin.
People who have done this type of weight loss behaviour have achieved remarkable results. That extra sausage or biscuit gradually built up their weight; not eating it will gradually lose their weight.
Jewish students who wish to be rabbis usually have to study the Talmud, a huge book of many volumes. Their rabbis tell them a story called the 'Heap of Dust' to help them to keep going and not give up.
Two men were asked to move a heap of dust. One soon gave up. The other said I will move a little every day even if it seems that I am getting nowhere. Eventually he moved the heap of dust and was rewarded accordingly. The other man achieved nothing and his reward was nothing.
The principle is the same whether you are eating an elephant or moving a mountain of dust. Tackle the task bit by bit.
If you eat the frog and the elephant, you should have a great day and begin to achieve all your goals.
John Watson
When it is light enough in the summer, I get a walk and some weight lifting in at the start of the day when it is cooler. I then feel set up for the rest of the day. The walk is quite a tasty frog to eat but still demands some effort and will power.
If you are writing a book, write first thing in the day. Writing may be the most difficult thing you do all day. Get it done straight away. Eat the frog.
After eating the frog, you have to eat the elephant (the huge amount you have to do during the rest of the day) How?
Bit by bit.
How do you build a house? Brick by brick. How do you walk ten miles? Step by step. I love books with titles like "HTML in easy steps"
You can't learn HTML in one big study session but step by step, inch by inch it's a cinch. Step by step you will have time to digest what you have learned.
Self-help books frequently use phrases like 'step by step' with good reason. Taking small steps can work wonders.
If you want to lose weight and are given 5 sausages to eat, give one of them to the dog or throw it in the bin.
People who have done this type of weight loss behaviour have achieved remarkable results. That extra sausage or biscuit gradually built up their weight; not eating it will gradually lose their weight.
Jewish students who wish to be rabbis usually have to study the Talmud, a huge book of many volumes. Their rabbis tell them a story called the 'Heap of Dust' to help them to keep going and not give up.
Two men were asked to move a heap of dust. One soon gave up. The other said I will move a little every day even if it seems that I am getting nowhere. Eventually he moved the heap of dust and was rewarded accordingly. The other man achieved nothing and his reward was nothing.
The principle is the same whether you are eating an elephant or moving a mountain of dust. Tackle the task bit by bit.
If you eat the frog and the elephant, you should have a great day and begin to achieve all your goals.
John Watson
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